A local shower curtain in a 4 bedroom split level family home supposedly "sees it all, on the daily". The visually unpretentious mono-colored shower drape hangs quite dutifully by its stainless hooks, day after day; executing its intended water-isolating capacity.
Washroom occupants would scarcely imagine the turmoil of tawdry thoughts and passions that continually rage within the inanimate drape. Good taste requires that we omit much of our conversation with the lewd curtain, who proudly vaunted its delinquent activities without reserve:
"...I've seen packages and goodies of all shapes and sizes, man. I've seen frontal goodies, and totally soaking back goodies, and big goodies, and petite goodies; waxed goodies and voluptuous goodies. It's like, damn! Every day for me, man. Every day."
One of our news crewmen was more than a little upset when he discovered the curtain's truly seedy intentions. Said newsman exposed his "full frontal goodies" in a routine lizard draining not 10 minutes before the interview started. "I'd have found a decent bush out back if I'd known," he timidly admitted.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Butterfly Shits On Rosebud; Could Care Less
A butterfly took a gratuitous dump on the lip of a pristine full-blossomed Alba Semiplena (common white rose) yesterday morning.
The miniscule brown clump of refuse, albeit very, very small, was clearly visible to all passerby's and other chance admirers of the regal bloom.
"Apparently the passing butterfly just didn't give a damn," said botanist and professional green-thumb Julia R. Rosenthal, "it likely pinched it's tiny payload and just flew off without a second thought."
"Stopping to smell the roses is one thing, impromptu shit bombing is quite another," added Rosenthal. We agree.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Disney-Empolyed Pirate Impersonator Passes Gas, Feels Relieved
Unwanted bowel pressure suffered a small defeat today when 54 year old actor and Disney-employed pirate impersonator Richard Kassek involuntarily passed gas on the set of Disney World's latest tourist phenomenon "Pirates, A True Adventure".
"I were a-standin' by me-self, oh, say 30-40 man's feet up the main mast pole, abreast of the starboard riggin's, when the jumbly-rumbly in my deepest vitals worsened," drawls Kassek. "That'll be the very last time I eats at that bastard Alberto's street-side taco wagon on the way to work, says I; especially if it f--k's up me intestines as badly as they're f--ked today, byarrrrrrr!"
First Mate Kassek counts his lucky north stars that he was "a-standin" (as he puts it) by himself so high off the ground, away from spectators and fellow cast members. "T'were an utterly unholy brew that was billowing and a'boilin' in my bunkers all morning. Damn near sh*t me breeches twice during the taxing climb up the port-side rope nets. Thank Jesus, Lord of the Sinners that 'twere only wind I were breaking and not me tattered rectum."
Kassek reportedly felt much better after expelling the menacing flatus—good enough to last until lunch time when he visited the nearest park restroom and, according to his own narrative, "Destroyed that son-of-a-b*tch." In parting, Kassek re-affirmed his earlier declaration that he would never again eat at Alberto's street-side taco stand (no matter how late for work or hungry he may be), and emphatically urged us to do likewise.
"I were a-standin' by me-self, oh, say 30-40 man's feet up the main mast pole, abreast of the starboard riggin's, when the jumbly-rumbly in my deepest vitals worsened," drawls Kassek. "That'll be the very last time I eats at that bastard Alberto's street-side taco wagon on the way to work, says I; especially if it f--k's up me intestines as badly as they're f--ked today, byarrrrrrr!"
First Mate Kassek counts his lucky north stars that he was "a-standin" (as he puts it) by himself so high off the ground, away from spectators and fellow cast members. "T'were an utterly unholy brew that was billowing and a'boilin' in my bunkers all morning. Damn near sh*t me breeches twice during the taxing climb up the port-side rope nets. Thank Jesus, Lord of the Sinners that 'twere only wind I were breaking and not me tattered rectum."
Kassek reportedly felt much better after expelling the menacing flatus—good enough to last until lunch time when he visited the nearest park restroom and, according to his own narrative, "Destroyed that son-of-a-b*tch." In parting, Kassek re-affirmed his earlier declaration that he would never again eat at Alberto's street-side taco stand (no matter how late for work or hungry he may be), and emphatically urged us to do likewise.
Convicted Sex Offender Enjoys Sudoku, Taking Advantage Of Small Boys
"There's really something about this little Japanese wonder," says Dick Davies enthusiastically as he impatiently scribbles digits in each little black box.
"I say 'Japanese Wonder', but the original concept for these intriguing number conundrums dates back to French periodicals of the late 19th century. The modern version of Sudoku was adapted by an American freelance puzzle designer around the 1980's and later introduced into Japan, where the puzzles garnered nation-wide popularity--which in turn instigated the current American sudoku craze," adds Davies, in a knowledgeable tone.
Mr. Davies apparently completes 4-7 puzzles daily on average. The convicted felon concluded the interview by stating matter-of-factly: "I used to wonder why people were so nuts about Sudoku. Not anymore!"
"I say 'Japanese Wonder', but the original concept for these intriguing number conundrums dates back to French periodicals of the late 19th century. The modern version of Sudoku was adapted by an American freelance puzzle designer around the 1980's and later introduced into Japan, where the puzzles garnered nation-wide popularity--which in turn instigated the current American sudoku craze," adds Davies, in a knowledgeable tone.
Mr. Davies apparently completes 4-7 puzzles daily on average. The convicted felon concluded the interview by stating matter-of-factly: "I used to wonder why people were so nuts about Sudoku. Not anymore!"
Woman Bakes Rabbit Dropping Cookies; Curiosity Finally Satisfied
Single mother of two and avid cooking enthusiast Mary Keller satisfied one of her greatest curiosities yesterday evening when both of her young sons ate rabbit dropping cookies.
"I don't know," said Keller, "it's just one of those things. Like when you're driving down the freeway and you have those fleeing thoughts about what would happen if you jerked your steering wheel hard to the left and careened your SUV into oncoming traffic. I'm just glad that for once I got to see what would happen...with the cookies, I mean."
The experiment played out mostly according to plan. "I pilfered a few handfuls of fresh pellets from our rabbit cage and poured them into a batch of cookie dough. Forty-five minutes later the cookies were ready. I sat my boys down with three cookies each to start and delicious ice-cold mugs of extra creamy vitamin D milk," says Keller.
The youngsters ate three apiece and then some. In fact, as of today at 4 o'clock, only two cookies remain from a batch of twenty-four, "And you know I sure as shit didn't have any," affirms Keller. The inquisitive soccer mom told us that, "Young boys will eat cookies with rabbit stool substituted for chocolate chips. They really will."
Keller offered us a glass of refreshing lemonade during our interview which we politely declined. It was a nice gesture at any rate, considering today's unusually calid weather.
"I don't know," said Keller, "it's just one of those things. Like when you're driving down the freeway and you have those fleeing thoughts about what would happen if you jerked your steering wheel hard to the left and careened your SUV into oncoming traffic. I'm just glad that for once I got to see what would happen...with the cookies, I mean."
The experiment played out mostly according to plan. "I pilfered a few handfuls of fresh pellets from our rabbit cage and poured them into a batch of cookie dough. Forty-five minutes later the cookies were ready. I sat my boys down with three cookies each to start and delicious ice-cold mugs of extra creamy vitamin D milk," says Keller.
The youngsters ate three apiece and then some. In fact, as of today at 4 o'clock, only two cookies remain from a batch of twenty-four, "And you know I sure as shit didn't have any," affirms Keller. The inquisitive soccer mom told us that, "Young boys will eat cookies with rabbit stool substituted for chocolate chips. They really will."
Keller offered us a glass of refreshing lemonade during our interview which we politely declined. It was a nice gesture at any rate, considering today's unusually calid weather.
Kindergarten Hunchback Clinches 5th Consecutive Somersault Competition Title; Prompts Immediate Regulation Change
Little Bobby Johnston, a horribly disfigured hunchback and Kindergarten student of Boston, Massachusetts, exhibited an episode of premature elation this Tuesday on the playground at Ben Franklin Elementary School. Johnston undoubtedly felt entitled to a bit of youthful boasting after his crushing defeat of all worthy contenders in the fifth consecutive somersault competition which involved over 12 competitors and spanned two separate recess breaks.
Bobby's undeniable dominance was cut short, however, when a majority of the group expressed desires to alter the rules and regulations of the event. Specifics are not available at this time, but the new competition code has effectively eliminated Bobby's chances at any future participation.
Rumors of exclusions based on last names starting with J have surfaced (and have been given due weight since J is the Kindergarten class' letter of the week), while many insiders openly admit that Bobby's severe spinal disorder may be the real determining factor; not only in his amazing ability to roll vertically like a truck tire, but also in the subsequent rule changes.
For now, Bobby seems quite content to fly his lunch pail around the tetherball courts and stick small bits of playground gravel in his nasal cavities. His future as a somersault aficionado remains at best, uncertain.
"Discharge" Holds Permanent STD Connotation For Portland Area Auto Claims Adjuster
Jack P. Barnes, a rookie Auto Insurance Claims Adjuster working for State Farm of Portland OR, indefinitely associates the word "discharge" with sexually transmitted diseases or STD's.
"'Discharge... discharge... discharge", repeates Jack, as though he were evaluating a pair of dress shoes for proper fit, "...doesn't matter how many times I say it, STD's pop into my head. I thought of Chlamydia, Syphilis, and Penile Rash just now. Seriously."
We mentioned "Honorable Discharge", hoping to coax Banres' thought patterns in a new direction. The exercise had little or no positive effect. "It's useless," said Barnes, "Even though an honorable discharge is a pretty good thing, I can't stop thinking about Genital Warts. Not only that, but somehow the word 'honorable' was replaced by 'malodorous' just now in my mind. Sick."
Upon wrapping up our brief chat with Mr. Barnes, we were left to wonder how many former high school health class students have similar issues with the word "discharge". Truthfully, it's hard to hear that word at this point without picturing a horrible case of Scabies. Seriously.
"'Discharge... discharge... discharge", repeates Jack, as though he were evaluating a pair of dress shoes for proper fit, "...doesn't matter how many times I say it, STD's pop into my head. I thought of Chlamydia, Syphilis, and Penile Rash just now. Seriously."
We mentioned "Honorable Discharge", hoping to coax Banres' thought patterns in a new direction. The exercise had little or no positive effect. "It's useless," said Barnes, "Even though an honorable discharge is a pretty good thing, I can't stop thinking about Genital Warts. Not only that, but somehow the word 'honorable' was replaced by 'malodorous' just now in my mind. Sick."
Upon wrapping up our brief chat with Mr. Barnes, we were left to wonder how many former high school health class students have similar issues with the word "discharge". Truthfully, it's hard to hear that word at this point without picturing a horrible case of Scabies. Seriously.
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