Unwanted bowel pressure suffered a small defeat today when 54 year old actor and Disney-employed pirate impersonator Richard Kassek involuntarily passed gas on the set of Disney World's latest tourist phenomenon "Pirates, A True Adventure".
"I were a-standin' by me-self, oh, say 30-40 man's feet up the main mast pole, abreast of the starboard riggin's, when the jumbly-rumbly in my deepest vitals worsened," drawls Kassek. "That'll be the very last time I eats at that bastard Alberto's street-side taco wagon on the way to work, says I; especially if it f--k's up me intestines as badly as they're f--ked today, byarrrrrrr!"
First Mate Kassek counts his lucky north stars that he was "a-standin" (as he puts it) by himself so high off the ground, away from spectators and fellow cast members. "T'were an utterly unholy brew that was billowing and a'boilin' in my bunkers all morning. Damn near sh*t me breeches twice during the taxing climb up the port-side rope nets. Thank Jesus, Lord of the Sinners that 'twere only wind I were breaking and not me tattered rectum."
Kassek reportedly felt much better after expelling the menacing flatus—good enough to last until lunch time when he visited the nearest park restroom and, according to his own narrative, "Destroyed that son-of-a-b*tch." In parting, Kassek re-affirmed his earlier declaration that he would never again eat at Alberto's street-side taco stand (no matter how late for work or hungry he may be), and emphatically urged us to do likewise.
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